Learn how to use a printer. The paper goes in, the paper comes out with writing on it. Fascinating.
Your PhD does not exempt you from returning emails, and your inflated title/salary does not exempt you from exerting even the smallest modicum of professionalism or politeness.
For Christ's sake, you use the same conference line at least 3 times a week for the past few years and you don't have it memorized?! Here is a hint, write it down and keep it next to your phone. I know, I'm a genius.
Lastly, here is a list of things I will not do for you.
get you lunch
make your coffee
fill out your electronic time sheet for you
keep track of your vacation days
print out your letters because you can't manage to learn 30 year old technology
clean your office
your entire job.
frustrated and disgusted Z