Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I don't have time for Therapy

At this very moment (6:20pm, still at work yay) I am sitting at my desk with a splitting headache, willing myself to do this Human Resources assignment I have due over the weekend, full well knowing I won't until 1 hour before its due, because who can concentrate in this environment. (the one in my head, not actually surrounding me)

I am trying to teach myself to be patient, with other people, with myself, with the unraveling of my life. My family. I am hoping that it's not just me and 25 is the normal age to realize that your family is completely fucked up and that everything you always blamed yourself for as a little kid/teenager was not actually all your fault. My personal life as far as my relationship and my friendships has never been better, everything else is sort of in the shitter. My family is completely ridiculous, and it's not just about my dad and then subsequently my mom keeping secrets from us, its all these small things that I blocked out or never realized that have all come flooding into my field of vision at this very point in my life. Probably triggered by the event of finding out I have a younger sister I never knew about I'm sure. I can't think of the word I should call that.

But it's not just that, its everything I couldn't remember for a long time. I have these periods of memory that are blank for me: that year in Germany; mostly blank, almost 3 years of undergrad; mostly blank, all of middle school; pretty much completely blank. Now I am starting to remember things, or someone will remind me because you see the other people who were with me during these times, they remember everything which is helpful because it's a little terrifying not to remember things you have said or done.

I have a bachelor's in psych. I know the basics. I know this is a coping mechanism, a defense mechanism. I just never realized I needed it. There was no abuse of any kind in my family, nothing you would notice from the inside looking out. My parents are generally caring and good people. They are selfish though. Very selfish. How do you achieve the perfect balance between giving your child everything they ever wanted, spoiling them rotten, and making them feel as though they deserve nothing and are eternal disappointments no matter what they do? Seems easy enough to me, but I am not yet a parent. I have yet to meet someone who's parents struck that perfect balance.

I know every parent makes mistakes but you never expect yours to make the catastrophic ones.
The irony of it all is that the person I want to talk to the most in my family is my younger sister, the one I've only known for 5 months. Who can understand better than her? And I am so grateful that she's who she is, and proof that you don't have to have a good father to turn out to be a wonderful and successful person.

People react in different ways when I tell them about my little sister, and how I found out about her, but most of all they say things like, "Oh that happens more than you think, that happens in a lot of families". That's great, but this is my family. And let me feel however I want about it.

On a day to day basis I am waiting for the breakdown, the meltdown, the loss of ability to get out of bed. It hasn't come, but every single time I sit down to write, blog, journal, notepad... all I can write about is this. So maybe I am in the midst of it. This is all the breakdown I can afford to have right now. I hope its not all a blank spot in my memory in a few years. I want to remember everything so I can learn whatever lesson I am supposed to learn.

In the meantime I don't want to be coddled, I hate that. Don't tell me you are here for me or that you understand, or whatever touchy feely cliche crap you come up with. I don't care. I write about it because it's cathartic, and not because I want your pity. Plus, I don't have time to go to therapy.


~Z

1 comment:

Z said...

well, not quite sure what to say to you, having never been in your situation in my life. my own family? is fucked up in its own unique way, to be sure, but hasn't had quite the catastrophic event(s) take place that yours had.

but i think you're right - keep writing if that's what you need, and definitely keep "wallowing" (not the right word, i just cant come up with any one that is better) because 1) this is totally new and unexpected, and 2) if that's what you need, that's what you need. no apologies necessary for that.

and i'll end with the cliche that you don't want, but i do mean it - if you need me to be an ear (eye?), feel free to write any time. you have my email, feel free to use it!