Monday, November 17, 2008

A Chance to Prove We Can Make It

The (out of) sequence of events that have taken place in the past year of my life have left me shaky. My emotional stability is weak at best and I constantly feel like trying to regain control. Everyday I wake up wondering how many ups and downs the day will bring.

This tumultuous mixture of feelings, happy, sad, devastated, disappointed, excited, lonely, loved… cannot be good. One second I feel fine, and strong, and capable of taking on all that the world has dealt me and the next second I feel as though I must cave-in and retreat just to survive.

I have learned a lot about myself, relationships and people in general but none of it is all that comforting. In fact, I feel like the older I get the more truth I know, the more disappointing people become.

No matter how much I love my job, I have days when I can’t bear to think of working one more second. I’m not sure I have the drive to ever have a real career; I just can’t be consistently motivated about it. I am motivated by the relationships in my life, the chances to be happy.

Everyone is human and everyone makes mistakes, sometimes life altering 20 year long mistakes that can never be undone. Forgiving them is easier than it seems, but forgetting is impossible. Impossible.

I can’t go backwards, and that is perhaps the hardest lesson to learn. Having only one chance for each moment in your life is cruel.

I am all at once in a rush to begin the next step, and wishing I could go back and be a kid again. Is that too much to ask?



Teeny said...

That whole entry is strikingly similar to a private one I just wrote. Especially the part about how no matter how much I love my job, it's still a job. Relationships are always and will always be more important. It makes it sort of hard to take that "next step" when it's not something you can do all on your own- like getting a degree or a job or whatever. I want to be a kid again too, sometimes. This weather is making me miss the beach something fierce.

CDM said...

There just happens to be a beach in Jax and 2 lovely people there who would love to escort you, if the fierceness was enough to get you to Jax.
Just thought I'd toss that out there.