Tuesday, July 15, 2008

long-distance lessons and a man's perspective

Half way through the work day today I realized it's already mid July. Time is flying by, and yet at the same time draaaaaaging on unbearably slowly. Being in a long-distance relationship sucks, and after suffering through a few months I have to say that this is a different kind of loneliness I am experiencing. All those things people say about long distance are true, the make or break you, learn more about each other, get closer, etc. But, being away from the person you love, the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, it's indescribable pain.

It's a growing pain though, one I have already learned a lot about myself through. I struggled with my independence for so long but I have really found myself again and I am so glad I have shed the pretentiousness and neediness of undergrad. There is still much work to be done, but I feel a sense of relief already for the miles I have come. My ultimate goal would be to truly stop caring what other people think, to not even think of myself through others eyes. At least not those who don't matter. Don't lie to yourselves, almost no one achieves this.

There are moments that make the distance almost worth it though. I have an appreciation for FSU that I may have never had if we didn't have to be apart for awhile. Also, not to sound like one of those girls who think shes got all the answers to relationship woes just because she's in love..... but I've learned a few things over the years about men, dating, and relationships. Mostly through my own terrible, terrible mistakes, and failed attempts at achieving the perfect relationship I have created my own set of rules.

1. there is no such thing as a perfect relationship
2. dating someone who doesn't have the dreaded ex girlfriend(s) sounds great in theory. its not. experience necessary.
3. if you are attracted to them, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about their looks, clothes, sense of style, etc.
4. never ever date someone simply because they are attractive. if you want it to go somewhere you have to have something in common, they need to have substance, unless you don't. In that case, you can be shallow and pointless together.
5. be honest. with him, and with yourself. always. even if you think it will hurt them in the short term, if they love you it will work out.
6. do not under any circumstances distance yourself from your friends, or stop spending time with them away from your boyfriend.
7. date someone who has the ability to say no to you. not someone you can walk all over.
8. turn the TV off and have sex. often. when you stop wanting each other, you've got a problem.
9. be supportive of his friendships, you want him to have his own friends, hobbies, and interests outside of your relationship, even if you don't like some of them.
10. You can't change him. Take him the way he is and love him for it, or move on.

I feel pretty justified in this list of 10 because these are all mistakes I have made in the past. I think FSU could vouch for me that I no longer (at least not often or on purpose) commit these relationship sins. Most of this stuff comes with age I think, so I am confident that in another 5 years I will have a whole new perspective and will have learned a lot more.

The biggest lesson I have learned, and also the hardest one to grasp for many of us, is that no matter how much you love someone and want them to be "the one", if they aren't and it ends, you will be OK. Eventually.

And in the meantime, heres FSU's perspective on the matter:

1. give morning blow jobs often, at least on holidays and definitely birthdays
2. relationships are a give and take, if one of you is always putting more effort in than the other, it wont work.
3. the guy doesn't always have to pick up the check
4. let things evolve naturally, don't try to force it. guys don't think past lunch. if you push him to hard, you may just end up pushing him away.
5. the trick is to make us think everything is our idea, some of us are dumb, therefore this can really work.
6. sex can solve a lot of arguments we are simple creatures.
7. speaking of sex, its OK to be aggressive in bed. we like it.
8. men should always have control of the remote
9. make his goals your goals and vice versa. being supportive goes a long way
10. no interruptions during football
10b. don't judge him for his love of old school booty music. you may even discover you have a few favorites in common. Like Ginuwine's "Pony". However, he may draw the line when you excitedly proclaim that should be the song you have your first dance to when you get married. not only is that a little crazy you should also see #4, pushy.

gotta love him.

~Z

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