Monday, June 23, 2008

things can go bad

There is no place for an ex girlfriend in the grieving process. Someone who used to be very close to me died Friday night in a car accident. Not just a car accident, a particularly horrifying accident. Nightmarish really. This is not an entry I look forward to writing, but writing forces me to deal with it, and I need to.

So Gary and I dated junior and senior year of high school, and freshmen year of college. He was the reason I went to UCF, the reason for so many things honestly. I am not going to be melodramatic and say things like, he was the love of my life etc. He wasn't, but he was a good boyfriend and we did love each other very much at the time. More than all of that he was a good friend. He was a goofy kind of guy. Very tall, with a baby face and a big contagious smile. We had a pretty dramatic breakup, and had mended things to a degree in the past few years, but only recently taken a first tiny step towards becoming friends again.

The wake is tomorrow, and the funeral on Wednesday. I am going to both, and I am terrified. In my head I know its true, and that I won't ever get that chance to say the things to him that I always thought there was time to say. But, it doesn't feel real, and I am not one of his best friends, not his girlfriend, not family. We weren't even close in the past few years. So do I even have a right to be so devastated? I am no one, no one at all. I feel guilty for my own tears.

I don't know if I can see his family without totally losing it. I don't want to see their pain, it seems as though it must be unbearable. He was so close to them.... and his very best friends the guys he grew up with, the ones I knew so well in high school. Its just so strange.

Furthermore, my visit to FL this weekend was to celebrate FSU's birthday, and he must feel horrible. He has been nothing but attentive and understanding and selfless. But, I can't imagine how much it sucks to be him right now. I don't even know where I fit in to this situation, so I am sure he is totally confused and feels helpless.

I am without a doubt, at a loss as to how to feel.
~Z

2 comments:

entirelyrandom said...

life is tough sometimes. look to your friends for support. we are all here for you.

Teeny said...

I love you.