In FL until Sunday now. Went to Gary's funeral yesterday and it left me feeling... uncomforted, more angry than I was before, and wishing it had been more personal. I felt like there was very little said about him. Mostly a lot of Jesus talk, and preaching, and Bible reading. Which is all well and good if you buy into that stuff, but I don't and you know what? I don't remember him that way either. I don't think its ever appropriate for the priest to discuss details of the accident.
Everyone keeps asking me if I am OK. I am fine, nothing happened to me, I am not a part of this anymore. All the pictures they had up of him at the wake, I remember being somewhere in the background, the funny stories told about him, I was there for those to, but I am not an acknowledged part of his life. And so what? It's not about me is it? I can't say it doesn't make me feel worse, and like I will never really have the chance to deal with this, but what can I do?
A word of strange advice, if anyone you had a previous relationship ever passes away, don't go to the funeral or the wake, don't expect people to talk to you. There is no place for an ex in the grieving process. You have to deal with it in your own way, and going to the services only makes you feel worse and more ostracized. After all, what does it matter, that person is still gone and you still don't get the chance to say goodbye.
I swear this isn't the only thing going on in my life, but writing about it is much easier than talking about it, and no, I don't want to talk about it.