Lately every time I try to write its a bunch of crap and I delete it before I'm even finished. There have been some interesting reactions to some of my entries from my friends or at least people I know, and I feel some odd sort of pressure to try not to offend anyone. I don't want to censor myself, or not say things because I'm worried about the impact. So then I get all frustrated with the bullshit writing and give up. So here is my final word on the matter, for no other reason than I need closure. It is my personal opinion that sometimes people come in and out of your life for a reason. We all had something in common for a few years and it was great while it lasted, its just not there anymore. So we move on and try to think of all the lessons we learned and how much we grew through those relationships. There is no point in being bitter, that he said she said crap just doesn't serve a purpose. I am going to let it go and walk away with no hard feelings because I really have none. I hope that anyone who is harboring resentment towards me for whatever reason will do the same, but if not what can I do? I don't want to play games and I don't want to be nasty. So that's it, no big soap box lecture, no retaliation just breathe and let it go, its easier. I still have love for both of you.
Let's face it, personal bloggers (myself included) are here mostly to be self-serving. We like to write about our own lives and opinions and if other people are interested that's wonderful, if not, does it really matter? I haven't written about politics, or religion or anything really important or volatile on here yet. I'm liberal, very liberal, not religious in any way although I do sometimes envy those who have that ability, and the things that are important to me sometimes vary.
I chose to get a masters in nonprofit because in order to be happy with a job, I need to feel like I am doing something relevant, something that can make a difference. I just applied to this amazing internship in D.C. with a huge environmental nonprofit. It's very competitive, and my chances are slim to none, but I can hope at least. I'm not going to settle for some crappy internship with an organization I don't believe in because what is the point? To me, the motivation behind working in the nonprofit sector is to do something I am passionate about, even if that means making less money.
I read this interview with Jane Goodall yesterday, and then I was voting online today for these Obama ads that a friend drew my attention to. I have struggled in the past between the superficial/material and the importance of being accountable and conscious of the impact I can have on the world around me. I think this is one of my biggest motivators for moving. I have been surrounded almost entirely by people my age who seem so uninterested in anything but their own personal agenda for a long time now. Not everyone I know is like this obviously, but it is hard to think outside that box when its all you know for 5 or 6 years. It is so easy to become absorbed in your circle of friends, or sorority, or school, you can lose track of what was always important to you. Before you know it you hear yourself being judgemental and superficial like the rest of them and its a scary situation. I've never explained why I have this desperate need to get out of here and I think that is 90% of it. I do not want to be the kind of person who passes judgement on others for where they came from or how they dress. I do not want to be the kind of person who cares and thinks more about appearances and social status than substance.
I think everyone has the capability to be less self-centered, it just takes effort.
also, after everything that has gone on in the past year or so, nothing has made me feel better than having a friend call to tell me she is looking forward to seeing me soon, and it honestly restores my faith in friendship to know I have a friend like that out there who even though we haven't spent a lot of time together in the past few years is still a great friend. no agenda, no cattiness. I aspire to be like her every day.