Sunday, March 2, 2008

don't look away, don't run away.

You see, I am not good at trusting and just being happy with the present. I am always looking to the future, trying to see what will happen. I don't like not knowing how things will turn out. When it comes to relationships, everything is too good to be true in my mind. It's so sad. I have a pattern, and although I am desperately fighting against it, its just been so long, and I'm losing the battle here. I push buttons, test people, and generally demand too much and never believe they love me enough. Nothing is never enough is it?

I don't know why I expect so much, I've never had a boyfriend who could live up to my expectations, let alone someone who could surpass them. Obviously its been a series of failed relationships. I can't take all of the blame, but I am starting to think that might be accidentally on purpose. Let me explain. In life, school, sports, dance; I quit everything just before it got hard, just before it was time to prove I could do it. In other words, it was always easier to give up than risk the pain and embarrassment of failure. As horrible as it sounds, I think I do this in my relationships also. If I sabotage the whole deal from the beginning, if I force it to break, then I also don't have to face the possibility of it all working out. Its sick really. On these days when I feel overwhelmed with doubt and I'm just so scared of what might or might not happen I am the only person stopping me from enjoying the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I'm not sure what I am trying to say here. Sometimes I just have to write it down to figure it out? There's no one to talk to about this really. J.P. is the one who understands the way my mind works the best, and what am I going to say to him? "Hey, I'm completely in love with someone else, can you help me not fuck it up?" Not that he wouldn't, but that would be just a little awkward right?

There is no answer, no simple solution. People don't change overnight, least of all me. I am not good at change, but something has got to give. I'm only fooling myself, and barely that at this point. There's a crumbling difference between my trying to make someone happy and trying to push them away. This is the hardest change to face isn't it, the one within yourself?

~Z

1 comment:

Mandy said...

Holy. shit. Call me or IM me or something, because (duh, you knew this would happen) I'm doing the same damn thing right now... argh.