Friday, December 14, 2007

this is no place for me...but thats the way it goes

"I thought I had it figured out, I should be happy now.
I think of you whenever life gets me down. whenever you're not around. You don't owe me anything you paid me well in memories."

Took J.P. to the airport today. This is the first time I didn't come in, and the first time I didn't cry until he was already gone. Three steps forward and five steps back I guess. Gave him dating advice last night, and helped him pack this morning. He doesn't owe me anything. Why is it so hard to be friends with each other? We never talk about it, or about anything real actually. But I know its not just hard for me, I can tell sometimes when he's very quiet, not even a joke to break the silence. And I cried for the loss of a friendship that I don't think I will ever really get back because he's disappearing slowly, and for another disappointment, let down, and for being back to the beginning. Square one, such a hard place to be when everything still hurts and you're less sure of who you are and how you feel than ever before. And no matter how wonderful he is, he hasn't had two years to get to know your little quirks and he doesn't tell you how much he loves you. Only now do I appreciate hearing it everyday, and now its so ... sad because we both know its not the same, and maybe it had become a habit, but now its like the last connection between to people that have very little in common after all.


I find myself wondering, how did I ever think we would end up together? I had no idea I could be so grateful and so relieved for a relationship to be over. When is the right time to meet the right person, and how do you know they are the right person? Not to mention, how many times have you met the right person and they didn't feel the same? Whatever. Right; such a vague description for someone you can't imagine not being with. There's a fragment of light at the end of this tunnel but sometimes I feel as though I'm only going backwards while I watch it get smaller and smaller.

Maybe all good men are just illusions. They figure out how to act like the image of what we want and in turn get what they want out of the relationship. I hate getting older. The more I learn about myself, and other people, the less I feel like love is even possible. And if so, its just not all I thought it was when I was younger, and maybe I don't even want to feel that way anymore. It never ends well. If just one person could be less than a disappointment. Once, for things to be really great with no complications and no doubts. It could just be too much to ask.

You say what you need to say, even if its hard and your hands are shaking and there are no garuntees and you don't expect a response, you just say what you need to say. Miss one, love the other. I've never been here before. It's so hard.

~Z

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