Wednesday, December 19, 2007

take all of your wasted honor, every little past frustration

better put them in quotations. until then I never wanted to say this.

So I have this friend, correction, I had this friend. She was witty and unique and intelligent and had a magnetic personality. She could always make you laugh and always up for a heated political debate. One of the few people our age who knows anything about whats going on in the world. She had so many admirable qualities.

Life happened and she let it get to her, she changed slowly, every day. She no longer seemed witty, but sarcastic, no longer unique and intelligent and magnetic but cynical and judgemental and materialistic. Everything became a competition, nothing ever felt good enough for her. She tried to fill the void in her heart, ease her pain with designers and objects and forced situations. But she pushed the people who cared about her away more and more every day until they couldn't help her. I reached out to her, tried to bring her back to the person she once was, but maybe it was too late, maybe I failed her. When it came down to making choices, she showed how little she valued our friendship in a big way.

She never understood it wasn't about a boy, it wasn't about a game or one incident at all. The crumbling of a friendship had taken time, every snide comment, every moment of snotty condescending disdain had seeped into the cracks in the foundation and I was unable to hold it together any longer. I walked away, took a breather, tried to remember all the reasons we were friends in the first place.

Now it seems it really is too late. Nothing is the same as it was a few months ago. Some good, some bad, but there's one less person to share it all with. So, how do I feel about this? Who knows. How am I supposed to feel? On the one hand, she hadn't been a good friend in a long time, on the other hand, I miss the girl she used to be and I often wish things could be different. You can't make someone care, you can't make them see things from your perspective and its too hard to stand by and watch someone self-destruct without saying something. Maybe I could have never said a word, but then I wouldn't be doing either one of us a favor. The right thing is hardly ever the easy thing to do. So often when you choose to speak up and make an attempt to make a difference in someone else's life, to tell them what everyone else is thinking, to try to make them see how much they push people away it ends the friendship all together. I always say, if we can't be honest with each other, than we can't honestly call ourselves friends. Apparently we can't be honest, and we also can't call ourselves friends.


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