Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Maybe I'm bitter

I'm not sure why I'm even writing today, I still don't feel like I have anything valid to say. Nothing that I could say out loud specifically. I drove all over town, did absolutely nothing other than spend money on things I don't need.

My family, mom and sister, are coming up here to shop etc. tomorrow. I was talking to mom about Thanksgiving today, how many people are coming and whatnot. I don't feel in the holiday spirit this year, I am not excited about Thanksgiving or Chrismakkuh. Other people's cheeriness is actually irritating right now. And I don't know why because I'm not unhappy, I am content and for the most part in a decent mood.

Maybe it's just today. Today is one of those days where you set out intending to do all kinds of errands and it just doesn't happen. Its not in the cards today. My psychological demeanor is not right for errand running. I had to come home and write this pathetic excuse for a post instead. Sometimes there is just a little black storm cloud floating over me, and I can't see it, but I know it's there. And it's just maddening because everywhere else its sunny and beautiful, but no matter how fast I run I can't get out from under it.

There is still this part of me that desperately needs to get out of this bubble. This would involve moving and internships and furniture and packing. And leaving behind some things I'm not ready to leave behind. I wish I could force a group of people to move out of a city, that would be perfect. I am really starting to wonder if I should have been Baker acted for being so caught up in the Greek system during undergrad. Who was I kidding? I never liked those people, they never liked me. It's like church for me, when I go, I look around at the other people there and think OK I'm trying really hard to take this seriously but COME ON! really? you buy this shit hook line and sinker? Sitting in a room full of Greeks is like going to a tent revival; they are all hallelujah hands in the air people are passing out. I am incredulous; I am waiting for the punch line. There is really no room for independent thought there. It's biting me in the ass now. I spent so much time around J.P.'s fraternity, what a bunch of douchebags they are. You will never meet a group of boys who take themselves more seriously. Its nauseating. Why am I even talking about this. That is a rhetorical question don't answer it.


I just don't like myself today. I am going to stop while I am not ahead. Hopefully Dane can cheer me up tonight.

~Z

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