Sunday, November 18, 2007

its you there when I close my eyes, and you in the morning

Last night turned out to be very awkward. I did not fully realize that I was walking into such a tense situation. I usually get a sense of who someone is within the first two or three times I'm around them, and this one is not good. This sounds vague, but what I am trying to say is that there is a girl who has a lot of animosity towards me because of my "relationship" with FSU. I try not to be antagonistic and I thought I would be OK in the situation, but it was unbearably uncomfortable.

I just don't need to feel that way ever. I had no idea there was any kind of history there, and although it was obvious to me from the first second I met her that she has some serious feelings for him, what is it I did exactly? There is no reason for someone like her to act like I stole something from her. This is where I do not understand girls.

I have to say I was mildly proud of myself though. Normally I would have handled this situation differently but under these circumstances I don't think being confrontational would serve any purpose. It's extra-difficult because they work together and they are friends although I don't really get that part of it. Also, I have this image running through my head that I know is irrational but I can't get away from it. Its sickening.

The saving grace is that she and I are like night and day. I may be opinionated and outspoken at times, but I would never act the way she does. Its embarrassing to even watch. I don't know if its family, upbringing, being in a sorority, or just my nature; probably a combination of all. Whatever it may be, I could never fathom being so vulgar and trashy and just plain rude and bitchy. It's offensive. AND, nothing bothers me more than when people make excuses for others' actions. Such as; she's had it rough, she's been through a lot etc. Yeah well so have we all. Excuses. A bitch is a bitch, is a bitch.

The edge of that cliff I mentioned in my last post... I backed away from it a little bit last night. I was ready to jump and I am now reconsidering the timing. As in, maybe we need more of it. My feelings for him are stronger than ever, and I was shocked at how his honesty could affect me. Knowing how much it bothers me, makes me cautious. Am I ready for this kind of thing? I'm just so tired, I need a sign.


~Z