Sunday, November 4, 2007

Stay awhile and wait and see, If things go right we're meant to be

The past week has been eye-opening. I made some interesting choices and although I have no regrets. Ok. That's a lie, I'm not really one of those people that doesn't regret things, and I really think those people are all liars.

So I have some regrets. Big deal. they are over now. I let go of these a little bit more each day. And its a whole new week and FSU is back today so that's just happy. I lasted less than one quarter at the game yesterday. Roomie and I had a decent time tailgating and then promptly left after our team scored the first touchdown. No matter how I try, I cannot convince myself to have any real interest in football. Sorry, I can't even pretend. I think most girls are just pretending because that's what they think the men in their lives want. I'm no liar. (Although I did watch almost an entire game on TV voluntarily last night for FSU, and Boston.) Wow, this has gotten off track. Back to the point I was trying to get to;

I kept looking over at J.P., and please don't mistake this for longing or some kind of pathetic I still want to be with him crap, it just came to me that I am a girlfriend kind of girl. I love being someones girlfriend, it's so easy. And for all my liberal equality bullshit, I like to be taken care of. No, I love to be taken care of, I thrive in this patriarchal (thanks Roomie) situation, Belonging to someone, which would make my mother cringe if she read that. The problem is, I don't think there are very many men in the world who are strong enough to dominate me in any real kind of way. Stop thinking about sex that's not what I mean. (that's nice to though). What I mean is, open the door for me, walk me to my car, order my dinner even, most of all say No to me. I have yet to meet a man who could say no to me when I'm being stubborn. I think my father is the only one, and that hardly counts does it, since the no is always just outsourced from my mother. I guess the women in my family are cursed with strength. Dammit.

I've always felt this way, but never been willing to admit it to myself. Everyone in my family is a feminist, even Dad. I don't want to be the black sheep. The difference between me a few years ago and me now; I won't settle... I apologize to the boys I settled for in the past 5 years. You deserved less I know. I sincerely hope you all find someone who is less intelligent and caring and who doesn't care if you drink yourself into a stupor, drive into a light pole, and never really make them happy. The kind of girls who say "totes" instead of totally, and who sleep around not because they want to but because that's what they think you want. Not to mention the kind of girls who wear short jean skirts and heels, entirely too much make-up, and who think its hilarious when you get wasted and throw up on the bar, but only the kind of bar where they serve low-end alcohol to 18 year-olds. Girls who have extremely low expectations of you and even lower standards for themselves. The same 18 year-olds who say "totes". I wish all of that joy and happiness for you boys.

So in other words, I am done training them. I have now paid my debt to society and trained up 3 boys so other girls can enjoy the fruits of my labor. Now it's someone else's turn. Have at them ladies.

~Z

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