Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Yet, I'm better near to you

I used to think 7am was an ungodly hour. There is something soothing about driving home when its still dark and people are just starting to move around, even though you can still see the stars.

The only drawback is the silent space which I fill with a soundtrack and my somewhat disembodied thoughts. Who can think rationally at this hour? I barely know how to think rationally at a decent noon. But then again I never claimed to be a rational or practical person. And writing comes much more naturally when it's dark.

Got a message from Lt. today. I was worrying a little so it was a relief. My heart always skips a few beats when he writes me to be honest. Those unanswered questions still make me smile though. The hope of answering them someday soon keeps me holding back a little from everyone else in my life. I try to keep this to myself, I always over share and we all need a little something to ourselves.

Had yet another great night with FSU. I am not going to say that I'm waiting for the bottom to fall out, or that it can't be this good, because it won't and it is. I can't wait for the next day and then the next, and part of me likes not knowing. He affects me.

I will never understand why I (we, girls, women) always place so much value on how men make me feel, or how they see me rather than how I see myself. You know, you can say a hundred times that yours is the only opinion that counts, and that you have to love yourself first and that you shouldn't let another person dictate how you feel. There is value in that, I see it, but there's no replacing the feeling you get when someone tells you that you are beautiful or kisses you in a way that makes you just a little shaky. This is why men hold so much power. I am a strong person, I like to think of myself as someone who isn't afraid of a conflict and likes a challenge. Oh, but I fall easily and quickly and I am no match for a man with the right words and the right touch. How weak and dreamy a person I can melt into in a matter of seconds.

It's too bad there is unpleasantness to come today. I have to snap out of my little world here soon and accomplish reality. Doctors appointments and grad school and all I want to do is anything but that. At least there is a distinct possibility that I could see L.B. today who always makes me laugh and leaves a smile on my face. (there it is, the power of men again)

~Z

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