Monday, October 29, 2007

the nearness of you

It hasn't been long enough to even begin to think it's alright, it's no surprise who we become. I think Ive been wrong enough to know when I'm right. Thanks E.H.

J.P. has really been proving himself a grand friend. I love him so much more this way. Without concentrating on his "failures" as a boyfriend. We make great friends. I like finding friends in the strangest of places. There is something so touching about how he still cares enough to talk me out of my tears or try to make me laugh, with nothing to gain. No obligation or anything, thats what I needed the most and he finally gave it to me. What a caring person he can be. It doesn't make me sad anymore.

I haven't heard back about my blood tests. I'm going with no news is good news for now because it feels easier than worrying. I've been up since 8:30, I had such a long day, it feels like 2 separate days. 1 day before FSU dropped me off at home, and one after. I took a mini vacation from life late Saturday night, or early Sunday morning, depending on how you look at it. for a few hours, well about 24, I felt distance from the everyday and now I'm at my parents house for a few days and I miss it already. I miss him already. I felt safe, and sure of everything. I have a hard time feeling sure of how things really are when Im not holding on to them. It gets a little bit unsteady under my feet. Its the same reason I'm not religious. I don't have the capacity for blind faith. Im working on it. Faith, not religion. They are very different.

There is this fog in my head today, and being here makes me so restless its like I battle myself. I constantly have the urge to throw all my stuff in the car and run, just drive away from here. The problem is, it doesn't feel like home. This isn't the house I grew up in, this isn't even the same town honestly. There is no one here who knows me, or who even knew me.

See, no where actually feels like home anymore. I always feel as though I am living in someone else's house. I don't know if this will ever change, maybe not for a long time. It's sort of unnerving and at the same time, where would I want to feel at home? At least I can sleep at night again.

~Z

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