Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I've seen this room, and I've walked this floor.

I remember when I moved in you...

6 vials of blood later, I am feeling only slightly spaced out. Thyroid, hormone, blood sugar, cell count, etc. It's all slightly frightening, but nothing I can do about it for the time being. J.P. took me, which was nice because I felt more than kind of dizzy afterwards. He is reliable when it comes to the little things.

I declined the invitation to come in. I can't go down that road anymore. There is too much unresolved pain and its almost as though the less we say about anything real the easier it is to just be near each other. I've decided that the best part of a break-up is realizing you can finally walk away and say no.

Some things can never be undone. So when he asks me things he doesn't really want to know, I try not to feel guilty about lying. I try. There's a twinge. How could there not be.

Procrastinating a very important job application. This could change everything, and I'm just getting used to the idea of now. I want it, but what if I get everything I want, and its less than satisfying? or it ends up being just like every other job/relationship? I am obviously talking about two separate yet very much intertwined situations here.

All at once I'm feeling very selfish today. Maybe it's the weather, maybe its the blood tests, maybe its the nostalgia, its a little suffocating. I want it all today, the attention, affection, love, touch. You name it, I want it. and I have a feeling I will get it.

~Z

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