Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I'd rather be stubborn and not do it

Here's the thing, I really don't want to do a father daughter dance. So much so, that I am writing my first blog post in six months because it is bothering me so much.

I understand there are lots of women out there who just can't wait for that special moment, but it makes me cringe just thinking about it. Dancing to me is a romantic act, and not something I do very often and certainly not with family members. Not to mention my relationship with my dad has changed drastically in the past few years.  We've been down a dark road and back again, when I found out about that lifelong secret he kept from our family and yeah yeah lots of good came from it to, like I got to know my little sister, and even went to her wedding a few weeks ago.

I cannot however deny the fact that the way I see my father has changed irrevocably, I can't even pick out a father's day card without getting really irritated. No, the bad does not outweigh all the wonderful things he has done for me, or the ways in which he was absolutely a great dad, but it has forever altered the way I feel about him.  Maybe if I felt like there had been some kind of just outcome to the situation that didn't have me constantly stuck in the middle of some very complicated relationships.

So what's the problem? I should just not have this father daughter dance business at our wedding right? Wrong. If there is one thing I have learned in the past year of wedding planning, and through watching my older and younger sisters plan their weddings, it's that most of this isn't really about us (the couple getting married) it's about the family as a whole. Furthermore I think it would cause more drama to not dance with my dad than it will if I just suck it up. I have become less and less selfish the older I get, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings even if they deserve it.

I'm just not going to pretend I'm excited about something so lame and antiquated.  I know some people probably think I am ungrateful for what I have, and would love the chance to dance a father-daughter dance at their weddings, maybe even my little sister who didn't really have that option. I'm sorry for them, but it doesn't change my  mind, and I don't feel bad at all, not even a tiny bit.

Now I just have to find a song that doesn't make me want to gag.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Where do I go from here?

Lately, I've been saying that I don't feel like being a grown up. I don't think it's really that, I think somewhere along the line between my job, my family and the constant feeling of uncomfortableness that is living in VA, I've lost my edge.

There's always been something a little different about me. When I was a teenager I secretly (or not so secretly) wished to fit in, to just be like everyone else in my class. When I was in college I embraced my differences outwardly while all the while still wishing I could just blend in. I often wondered to myself why I couldn't just shut up and be agreeable.

I've always been outspoken, opinionated, and I've always treated authority figures as equals, demanded respect as if I was entitled to it because I grew up around other women who did the same. I have changed a lot in the past 5 or 6 years and I see most of the change in myself as a good thing. But lately... I feel like I've lost a part of me. Instead of being the one person saying out loud what everyone else is to afraid to, I find myself constantly walking on egg shells, constantly trying to make everyone else happy. Especially at work.

Now, I know how to be a professional, and I know I can't just say whatever I want whenever I feel like it, and that I have a lot to learn from some of the great people I work with. But, I'm not sure when I became such a pushover. Recently a situation has arisen at work that makes me feel totally helpless and like I'm stuck in a cone of silence screaming my head off but no one is listening. Have you ever had an experience in which you could see right through someone's exterior to the useless, arrogant, whiny person they really are? It is so obvious, but you start to feel like you're crazy because no one else seems to notice?

When I look back on the past few years, I think about all the bullshit I have put up with and I ask myself why? I say, I can't afford to quit, it's not that bad, everyone has to work their way up, at least I have the funniest work stories. All true, but I think the real reason I stay is because I secretly really care about the work we are doing. Big sigh. It's always hard for me to just let my guard down and show that I care about something. It makes me feel vulnerable, like I might really fail. And it makes it all that much harder to admit that I don't think I'm making a difference in this job. I don't think anything I'm doing really matters.

When I was 16 or 19 or 21 I would have never let anyone get the best of me. I wouldn't hesitate to tell anyone exactly what I thought. Now 9 times out of 10 when I think someone is being stupid or crazy or selfish and inconsiderate, I just say nothing. I really miss the old me sometimes, although I don't think anyone else does.

Also, who cares this much about a job? This is nuts. Maybe when you're job starts to make you this stressed it's just time to call it a day. If only I didn't have student loans, rent, credit card bills, wedding bills, the list goes on. We are definitely living comfortably, and I can't complain, but I also can't afford to have some kind of personal identity crisis and quit a perfectly adequate job.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I need a change

Today I have the flu, or the remnants of the flu. I haven't slept, and I haven't unpacked from my "vacation" and all I've eaten is jello and soup.

I called in for an important meeting this morning and once again I feel useless. It's like I never had two weeks out of the office at all. No matter how hard I work or what I accomplish it's never good enough for this organization. They expect the IMPOSSIBLE and I just can't make it happen.

I need a change, a big one. FSU has been job searching and I've known that in his heart of hearts he really only wants to be in once place. Until we took this trip and had the all night drive back to talk about all the possibilities I wasn't sure where I wanted us to end up. Between that and this conference call, I know now that even if I have moments in which I love my job, it's still just a job and 9 times out of 10 it makes me feel stressed and unappreciated and exhausted. So, it's not important.

And I'm just so tired, and I can't sleep.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Dear Gary,

Remember that time junior year of college I called you crying and you told me that the world is not against me and that I had to stopping acting like it was?

Today, my dear friend, I feel as if the world is against me. I feel like I cannot win and I wish you were around with some words of wisdom to help me put things in perspective. I am trying so hard to do all the right things and to stay and look on the bright side of everything. It's just... well I feel as though I've had the wind knocked out of my sails one to many times. I desperately need something to give. I am exhausted by everyone else's needs and wish I had the capacity to focus on my own, to be a little selfish.

I am ruled by the constraints of social expectations and work expectations and financial expectations and it's just miserable.

The only thing that seems to be going well is my relationship, which is surprising I know, considering I usually find a way to ruin relationships before they really go anywhere. It's safe to assume most of the credit there goes to the other party.

There was a glimmer of hope over Thanksgiving break. I could breathe and I was happy and I had time to do what I wanted to do. I thought that would make the next few weeks easier but it's only made them worse because now I have glimpsed what my life could be like if only I wasn't obligated to so many other people.

Maybe the world is not against me, I am after all not significant enough for the whole world to put forth that sort of effort, but I am at the very least surrounded by idiots.

If you were only a phone call away.